Yesterday I gave Lizzie the Numerologist a lift home.
When she got out of the car Roo, who was sitting in the back, said, “Mum – are you gay?”
Roo is seven.
He should know I’m not gay.
“What do you mean?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. It was hard to know quite how to proceed with this one until I knew whether he meant …
1. gay – stupid
2. gay – happy
3. gay – lesbian.
Roo raised his eyebrow back at me. “You told Lizzie that you love her.”
“Roo,” I said, “there IS a difference between telling someone “I love you” who you are reallyreally fond of and saying “I love you” to someone you want to marry … and sleep in the same bed with.”
Well answered, I thought.
“So you don’t want to marry Liz?”
Roo’s gay weirdness aside, I have to admit that I have been feeling very full of love lately. In fact if I had to describe it I’d say that I have been walking around in a Big Heart Shaped Haze Of Loveliness. This is a very nice fluffy, fuzzy (in the words of one of my clients) place.
VERY different to the cold, shivery, steel grey Un-Heart that I lived in before. Out in the Un-Heart, relationships feel distant. You can’t be yourself. Worse still you sometimes have to act like someone you’re not. You feel awkward … unsure of what people think of you. Sometimes, and please let me know if you’ve ever experienced this, you can feel like a lumbering oaf whilst everyone else feels all dainty and elf-like. No?
Well, anyway …
In the Un-Heart its all a bit like hard work.
But inside the Big Heart?
Total different ball game.
You get to feel connected, supported, loved.
People make you laugh and you make them laugh and wherever you go there is laughter. There are hugs and squeezes and cackling jokes. And there is this amazing quality of LISTENING, where people listen and they hear. And there is eye contact and this weird heart contact that I really can’t describe. Inside the Big Heart you can be yourself, say what you mean, mean what you say and then talk absolute bollocks and that’s all perfectly acceptable. Everything is acceptable – except when it’s not acceptable and when it’s not acceptable people pull each other to one side and say, “you know what? I love you – but I don’t think that is acceptable.”
Does anyone else feel that lately?
This weird, connected HEART thing?
Yes? No? Am I gay? I don’t know. (I’m joking).
Looking back, the Big Heart has been growing for a while. It started when I wrote the stunningly exceptional Grow Your Own Gorgeousness and gave myself permission to Be Who I was. It also came when Naughty N showed up and was so lacking in self-consciousness, that it forced me to shrug and throw caution to the wind and run around exactly like myself as well. The more we were ourselves, the more hilarious it became so the more we did it. A few years on, I stepped out of a 15 year safety net, took a deep brave breath and trusted in myself to walk forward.
Big Heart caught me.
At that time a certain Goddess who is like an African Queen with her arms around a basket of love blew her whispers through me – blazing me up with her Heart Power. She is the Fosbury – essence of the Big Love. And now I love and am loved by the amazing Ads, Pix and Roo – three AMBASSADORS of the Big Heart. I work with my soulester*/business partner, Jayne, who EMBODIES the Big Heart. I deliver workshops to clients who are all LIVING the Big Heart and I rendezvous with friends who are ROLY-POLYING and SMASHING into the sides of Big Heart like its a bouncy castle. And I write for you beautiful readers, who are tucked in your own Little Big Hearts, all off-shoots of the BIG HEART.
We Are All In The Big Heart.
Don’t ask me what it is … but it is good.
And it all starts with … what?
Here’s a Valentines Day message to you from the House of Bethan:
See yourself. You are awesome. You’ll fall head over heels in love. I promise.
Be yourself. It’ll be funny. We are pure comedy. You might need to change your pants (that’s knickers to you lovely Americans).
Love yourself. When you do this, your relationships will fire out connections with other pieces of love and suddenly you will become part of the Big Heart.
And that’s not about being gay.
It’s about intimacy.
IN TO ME SEE.
Nice or what?
* Soulester. New word. Like Sylvester, but not.