It was a discovery made last Sunday at the Isle Of Wight festival. After three luscious days of curling breezes and balmy sunshine, the rain crept through.
It tiptoed in early on Sunday morning, gained confidence at midday and by evening it was stomping and rioting all over the show like a drippy, rainy reveller. The grassy tracks that previously led through the site were transformed into mud soup rivers and the new festival fashion became a mixture of black bin-liner couture and peachy transparent ponchos.
I am not of binliner ilk.
Yet my only water-proofish thing was a jacket from Topshop. Sigh. I had persuaded myself it was waterproof (it looked kind of waterproof), but if I’m honest I’d just fallen in love with its puffy sleeves and pockets.
So, waterproofless and shivery, things weren’t looking good. Then, thankfully our friend Joe took pity on me and insisted that I wear his old water board jacket.
The jacket was day glow yellow/green, splattered in mud and scuffed. It was thick and padded. It had elastic fabric wrist sleeves that kept out the draughts. T’was the epitome of dry cosiness and the moment I put it on, I felt like I was wrapped in an Anything-Proof hug.
In my head I was now totally ready to TAKE ON THE FESTI but little did I know, I was about to experience the three powers of the lumi jacket.
Power One: Parting The Seas
You know the bible story when Moses parts the sea? Well, lumi jackets have similar powers. Normally when trying to squeeze through a crowded arena to watch some super popular band on the main stage, it is a mission of squeezish lengths. You can try to be polite and apologise to people you trample over, but even if you DON’T tread on their feet, they will still mutter and stick their elbows into you.
Not when you have power of the jacket though. Ho no!
Even in the darkest, wettest crowd, the day-glow shimmers. Crowds part like biblical oceans. With the lumi jacket, you don’t need a staff or a beard, you simply have to say “security, security”. Quite staggering really. Miraculous stuff.
Power Two: Making People Vanish
This was not a power I was comfortable with. After parting the seas we hung out in a few bars and cafes and tents, but everyone who caught my eye would look shifty then the next minute they would vanish. Completely vanish. Seriously. One minute they would be there and the next they would run away.
It was like, no one was comfortable standing next to someone in a lumi security jacket.
The worse thing was that when I glanced around to look for my friends, it made me look like I was scanning the area to check out what people were doing. I began to take on the bulldog stance, the mean expression and the beady eyed glare of a security guard.
I was starting to morph! Can you imagine how scary this felt? Horrible. Yes horrible.
Power Three: Super Sonic Randomness
Unsure that I could handle morphing into a security guard for much longer, myself and Husbandy One decided to take the lumi jacket back its rightful owner. So following the blissful parting of the crowds and the vanishing people, we stomped back through the mud towards our little compound.
As we drew near we passed a seemingly innocent couple. They were clinging to each other, whilst balancing on top of a deflated rubber ring that was half submerged in the river of mud.
Couple Man (gesturing excitedly); “Hey! Quick! Come here! Look!”
Me: “Who me?”
Couple Man: “Yes you!”
As I approached he gestured down at his muddy deflated rubber ring as though it was one of the seven wonders of the universe and needed to share the experience with somebody. “Look! LOOK! We Are Standing On A Doughnut.”
You could tell he was very sincere and slightly infatuated by his doughnut/rubber ring.
Me (completely ignoring the Divine Doughnut): “Hey, aren’t you the man who was in the Kashmir Bar having his face cleaned with a baby wipe for forty minutes?”
Man (giving me a brief blank look and then attempting to divert the focus back to his pathetic mud soup raft). “But look. A doughnut!”
I was having none of it. I was convinced that this was the baby wipe man from the night before (another random occurance).
“But I’m sure it’s you. Weren’t you cleaning his face with a baby wipe for forty minutes whilst leaning against the pillar in the Kashmir Bar yesterday?” I asked turning to the girl. “Come on. I saw you! I know it’s you.”
She shook her head. She looked baffled. She mouthed something and pointed at the doughnut, but in her heart she knew that there was no way the Seventh Wonder Doughnut was going to beat the Epic Baby Wipe Declaration. There was no contest. I had the lumi jacket.
Man (weakly): “Do you want a go on our doughnut?”
Me: “First tell me if it was you!”
At this point Husbandy One (who was practically dying of laughter and about to collapse into knee deep muddy soup) managed to choke something about me having the wrong people. Meanwhile the Doughnut Couple looked like they were wishing they’d never called me over to share their Doughnut Love.
They back off, still clinging to each other, grinning nervously.
Me: “Wait! Wait! What about your doughnut?”
Couple: “It’s fine. Really. Keep the doughnut.”
And. Then. They. Ran. Away.
So there. You see? Lumi Jackets have powers that can not be reckoned with. And the lesson of the day is … when buying waterproof coats, Buy A Water Proof Coat and not just one that has puffy sleeves and pockets. Because you may end up in the same situation as me. And it wasn’t funny. It was JUST WEIRD!
NB. I apologise for this post. I think it’s an after effect of the festival. Normality will resume soon.