I’m not sure if you know this, but I’m only eating raw food at the moment.
Was that a massive surprise? Don’t worry, I’ll give you a few moments to let it sink in.
Now, I have to confess something. Yesterday I broke the raw food detox. I know. I know. Hey, don’t look at me like that!
For those of you who know about the struggles I was having with my ex – Various Titbits – I can safely say that don’t worry, It Was Not He. The culprit was: The Most Expensive Bloody Cake I Have Ever Baked And Looked So Rubbish That BY GOD I was going to have some.
Here it is/was. Don’t laugh.
LOOK at it.
LOOK at it.
The ingredients for that cake cost me £22.00. Nine Dime Bars went on that cake. Ten squids worth of ground almonds are somewhere in that flat, pan-cakey bodywork. I’m not even going to mention the cream cheese, vanilla pods and large organic (not just any) egg whites. And look at it. LOOK at it! It’s rubbish.
If the Husbandy One knew how much I’d spent on a single cake, my life would not be worth living. I am currently living under the facade that it was a packet sponge that went wrong.
So there. The cake was rubbish and feeling really grrr-ed up, I then ate some. Ha. Little did I know that this was quite a self destructive Ha. By the time I realised it was too late. Had this happened in the past I might have felt disappointed with myself, but thankfully this is not the case anymore.
You see, these days I am a little Forgiveness Machine.
(I think a Forgiveness Machine looks like a bubble machine but it sprays out great showers of daisies and buttercups that then land on passers like confetti. It smells divine too.)
Since becoming a fully automated Forgiveness Giver, I have let go of guiltiness and resentment on a rather epic scale. This new ability to let go and forgive seems to have been one of the many side effects of eating raw. I’ve also become a surprisingly conscientious recycler and keep feeling maternal towards baby alfalfa sprouts. Don’t ask.
Believe it or not, pre-detox Bethan wasn’t a particularly forgiving person.
On paper I had myself down as someone who didn’t bear grudges, but the truth is I was pretty grudgy. Some days I would drive the car and have whole imaginary arguments with people. Do you ever do that? Occasionally one of the children would pipe up and ask why I was muttering to myself. Little did they know I’d just given X,Y and Z what for. Ha! (Another S.D Ha it would seem)
If you drive past people who look like this, they may just be having an imaginary argument. Try to avoid eye contact, or going to closely to their car’s rear end. You could provoke road rage. Eek, I’m veering.
So, a week into the Raw, I became acutely aware just how much my heart and mind were pickled in acidic, bitter, gnarly, irritating thoughts about people. I could mentally list about thirty people who had wound me up over the years and it felt horrible. Resentment it such a tight, squeezy, suffocating feeling isn’t it? It reminds me of a tight, scrunched up ball of paper.
The word resent means to re-feel, so presumably when we are resenting we are literally re-feeling our old wounds and hurts and grievances. By going over and over in minds things that have happened, we actively leak nasty feelings into our pool of warm wellbeing. Quickly realising just how much resentfulness was grudging up my heart and thoughts, I decided that I needed to detoxify that part of my life too. This is how I did it;
Bethan’s Unofficial Guide to Grudge Detoxing
1. Make a list of all the people that make you feel like gnashing your teeth. This is your Grrr List.
2. Next to each name write the things that you’d like to forgive them for. Write all the attributes that make your blood boil, don’t go into lengthy detail. An example could be …
NAME: Expensive Dime Bar Cake. ISSUES TO FORGIVE: Your arrogance, thoughtlessness, letting me down, not living up to your promises.
3. Continue doing this for the whole list. Now look back at all of the answers and you’ll find that certain words/attributes repeat themselves again and again.
4. Make a list of these attributes that have annoyed you on another piece of paper. Every time one word is repeated, circle it. If it is repeated again, circle it again.
5. Study these attributes. Are they connected to each other? In my list I was often angry at people for being judgemental / misjudging me. This tied in with my irritation at self righteousness and people thinking they are intelligent when actually they are blinkered.
6. Once you can see that these upsets are repetitive, you can begin to ask yourself if it is really that person who needs to be forgiven or if it is simply that you are wound up by certain behaviours. When we recognise that someone else’s behaviour triggers an issue WE HAVE, we can then deal with our own issue instead.
For example, every time I experienced someone as being aloof or arrogant, I felt disempowered. This made my blood boil. I hated feeling disempowered and so I felt really resentful towards that person. Did they ask me to feel disempowered? Er … no. The moment I claimed responsibility for my feeling of disempowerment it seemed to dissolve. I was suddenly empowered and I no longer thought about the person who had originally irritated me. Try it for yourself and see what happens.
I’m glad to report that in writing this post I can see I’ve been resentful and rude to the Dime Bar Cake. I owe the Dime Bar Cake an apology. After all, I chose the recipe, I paid the money, I cracked the eggs and melted the Dime Bars.
And actually, thinking about it, it shouldn’t matter what the cake looks like, should it? It’s how it tastes that counts.
It is a cake of gorgeousness!
Ohhh. Okay. Now it all makes sense.